Text file for Bureaucracy
You have recieved an advert for the " POPULAR PARNOIA "
magazine with many fine articles.
ARE YOU A PARANOIA PERSON?
If you can answer these sixteen questions, you're a Paranoia
Person, and Popular Paranoia is for you! If you can't answer
these questions, don't you think there are things you ought
to know?
Every month, Popular Paranoia gives you something new to worry about!
()What chemical is the international health conspiacy using to destroy
our valuable body fat?
()How many health fascists are there in the FDA?
()What do Ronald Wilson Reagan,Daniel Miguel Ortega,Dwight Eugene Gooden
and Johnny Herman Carson have in common (and a menace because of it)?
()What device is being used to keep track of the whereabouts of the
American citizens?
()Where is the centre of communist insurgency in the United States?
()The existence of which one of the fifty states of the union is a fiction
invented by the Trilateral Commision for its own nefarious purposes?
()What left-leaning organization foiled the coup d'etat directly after the
assassination of John F. Kennedy, leading to decades of crypto-communist
government in America?
()What is the breeding ground for most major diseases?
()How do they learn so much about you?
()By what percentage do students who exchange digital watches with multiple
partners increase their chances of contracting bubonic plague?
()What local government-subsidized programme poses the greatest threat
to home privacy?
()What is Mexico unleashing on the United States for refusing to give them
a major league baseball franchise?
()What secret FBI surveillance method is masquerading under the guise of
public service?
()Who is their leader?
()What well-meaning legislation was actually a communist-inspired plot
to destroy the American family?
()How are the dentists of America conspiring to destroy the minds of
our children?
REGULAR FEATURES INCLUDE:
WHO'S OUT TO GET YOU?
You're on the the hit list of everyone from food and drug
manufacturers to the President of the United States. Learn to
watch out for, and why.
ENTERTAINMENT What you do on the weekend could kill you! Did you know
that students who exchange digital watches with multiple partners
increase their chances of contracting bubonic plague by 300%? find
out how to protect yourself.
FOOD You won't be surprised to learn that YOGURT is the breeding ground
for most major diseases. we'll examine dented cans, unwashed bakery
attendants, lima beans, lard, salad bars and a host of other
potential hazards.
SURVEILLANCE Government agencies use a veritable army of surveillance
methods, many of them masquerading under the guise of public services.
We'll tell you how TRAFFIC HELICOPTERS follow your daily activities,
phone taps monitor your coversations, and cable tv threatens your
home privacy.
MEDICINE Your child's teeth are only inches away from his brain. But
have you ever considered what happens each time the dentist gives
him a shot of NOVOCAINE? We'll show you why it's wrong to trust
doctors, medicines, hospitals, and anything else that tries to tamper
with your body.
YOUR HOME Learn the best protection devices, from automatic weapons
to attack dogs. We'll also look into flammable upholstery, insect
infestations, microwave ovens, dark corners, radon gas, bats in the
attic, and rats in the sewage system.
PERSONAL PROBLEMS So you suspect your friends don't like you? You
think your mother is paying them off to spend time with you? ARE
you convinced your fly is open? that you'll be rushed to the
emergency ward wearing tattered underwear? that you'll commit a
terrible faux pas in front of an important person? Well, it's
probably true.
AND INFORMATIVE STORIES LIKE THESE EVERY MONTH:
HOW DO THEY LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT YOU?
When you find your GARBAGE cans overturned and the plastic bags
ripped open, you probably think some dog or raccoon has been
sniffing out a snack. Well, think again. Your garbage contains
personal information ranging from your bank and utilities account
numbers to your consumer preferences and private correspondence.
We'll teach you how to keep your garbage safe from prying eyes,
including a rundown of alarm systems and incineration methods.
LETHAL CHEMICALS FROM A TO Z We ingest dozens of chemicals daily
in our food, air, water, and personal products. Fluoride mottles
our teeth, ASPARTAME destroys body fat, flourocarbons ravage the
ozone layer. This handy tear-out guide will keep you on the alert.
AMERICAN GOTHIC A terrifying tour of 50 states. Are you aware that
OHIO is the center of communist insurgency in the United States?
Have you discovered that DELAWARE is a fiction invented by the
Trilateral Commission for its own nefarious purposes? You will
learn the facts you need to know to combat the powers seeking
to overwelm you.
THE NUMBERS GAME The number of letters in your name reveals more than
you imagine. People with three letters in thier name bring good
luck, since luck comes in three's. Those with six letters in their
first, last, and middle names, such as Ronald Wilson Regan,Danial
Miguel Ortega, Dwight Eugene Gooden, and Jonney Herman Carson, are
a menace to all around them, since 666 is the number of the devil.
Learn what your name reveals in this upcomming feature.
ROOTING OUT QUEEN MUM An exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at their leader
the fiendish QUEEN MUM.
THE POWERFUL NFL A stunning expose of a powerful leftist organization.
Did you know that an NFL game preempted the televised announcement
of a coup d' etat directually after the Kennedy assassination?
The coup was foiled, and decades of crypto-communists government
ensued.
INSECT WARFARE Mosquitos injected with encephalitis viris, KILLER BEES
unleashed by vengeful Mexicanos, Black Widow eggs hidden in your
junk mail. South American insectologist Jose Santa Fe reveals the
secrets of insect warfare and tells you how to protect yourself.
THEY'RE ON YOUR TRAIL AUTOMATIC TELLER MACHINES are but one method banks
use to track and control American citizens. They've made you dependant
on them. You can break free! Find out every thing you need to know
about home safes,full cash purchases, printing your own checks, and
more.
GOODBYE, SONNY The GI BILL gave veterans the chance to go away to collage
and buy their own homes, without a thought to the parents, left
behind. Editor Harold Regan, examines the ultimate cost of this
communist-inspired plot.
HEALTH FASCISTS How many health fascists are there in the FDA? If you
don't know, you should be reading Popular Paranoia.
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HAPPITEC
"WE'LL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR COMPUTER"
Occupant
5 Hippo Vista
Rhinocerous, New Jersey 81818
Dear New Employee,
Welcome to Happitec Corporation! As you know, the Happitec motto
is "We'll bring a smile to your computer." We aim to make people
happy, and that includes our employees here at Happitec. You have
already learned of the many benefits we offer you! In turn, we
expect you to make US happy by being a dedicated, responsible
employee.
How do you make Happitec happy? No problem! We keep things rolling
smoothly simply by following the rules and regulations set down by
out founder and president, Leo J. Zereb. And to make sure you learn
every one of these rules and regulations, we're sending you to a
special training seminar at Happitec International Headquarters in
Paris France!
That's right, you're going on a tow-week, all expences-paid trip to
Paris, courtesy of Happitec. you'll enjoy a six-day training
seminar with experienced Happitec staff members. Then you'll thrill
to a full week of fun in the City of Lights! And that's not all!
You'll also get $75 spending money! Does that put a great big
Happpitec smile on your face, new employee?
The $75 money order is in the mail to your new home. To obtain your
airline ticket, simply take this letter to your travel agency. Then
you're on your way to Paris! Be sure to be on time for your flight.
We've found that new employees who miss the training seminar usually
arn't very happy at Happitec.
See you at the office!
Happily yours,
Ollie Fassbaum
Manager
The Happitec Corporation
THE HAPPITEC CORPORATION, MAJOR OFFICES AROUND THE GLOBE
You convinced your fly is open? That you'll be rushed to the emergency ward
wearing tattered underwear?